


A Nice Cup Of Not Tea

by Angel Ascending (angel_in_ink)



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff, Spoilers for the Season 5 Trailer, basically?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:14:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23410780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angel_in_ink/pseuds/Angel%20Ascending
Summary: The thing that had crept into the teacup in the kitchen, the thing that had made itself look like what the person that smelled like the Lonely, all fog and salt, had wanted it to be, did not have a name until the Archive Named it.“That is not tea,” the Archive had said, and so it was.
Comments: 39
Kudos: 198





	A Nice Cup Of Not Tea

**Author's Note:**

> _Season 5 trailer for Magnus Archives drops._
> 
> Me: Ohhhh, this is so sad and yet sort of hopeful because at least Jon is still Jon and Martin is *there* trying to comfort him! There’s so much I could write about–
> 
> Brain: Write about the thing that wasn’t tea.
> 
> Me:…. what?
> 
> Brain: We love the not tea. We want to pet it. Write about the not tea.
> 
> Inspired heavily by [@kingcael](https://tmblr.co/mUP_XwjjIeZVchrix38Nh4w)‘s AMAZING Not Tea [art](https://kingcael.tumblr.com/post/613622211619815424/not-tea-its-naughty)! (Warning for body horror, and also if you don’t like things that look like spiders or crabs) Seriously, I want one. I would feed it teabags and sugar cubes and fear.
> 
> Also influenced by [this](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DDTJbdy097m0%26feature%3Demb_title&t=NzAyMjczOTIwZTIyNmQ5ZTVmY2IzMWJhNDVjM2EzY2UwMzgwNTAzYixPbmlyeFpDSA%3D%3D&b=t%3AfDCvoSMQjNwkc2QbEWyuoQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fangel-ascending.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F613679923061817344%2Fa-nice-cup-of-not-tea&m=1) video of an octopus dragging a plastic cup around to protect itself.

The thing that had crept into the teacup in the kitchen, the thing that had made itself look like what the person that smelled like the Lonely, all fog and salt, had wanted it to be, did not have a name until the Archive Named it.

“That is not tea,” the Archive had said, and so it was.

The Not Tea skitters out of the room, away from the eyes of the Archive, away from the gaze that sees it as it is. It is a small thing, a weak thing, a collection of scraps of fears come together to make something, and it clings to the teacup with tendrils that are dark one moment and made up of incomprehensible colors the next, the porcelain cup shelter and protection. Its form shifts and changes, chitinous legs turning to tentacles and back again, eyes appearing and disappearing, sometimes almost human looking in shape, sometimes small and black or brilliant colored and compound, teeth turning into pedipalps turning into the ringed mouth of a leech.

The Not Tea has no purpose but to frighten, and it has done that, the Lonely-smelling person’s fear sitting inside it, tasting like the tea it had been mimicking. It wants to go back to hiding now, back in the cupboard where it is dark and safe, where perhaps it can scare the Lonely-person again. Not the Archive. It cannot scare the Archive.

There is a tape recorder on the kitchen counter.

The Not Tea pauses, raising its claws defensively. The recorders are a part of the Archive, the part that Listens. It is less dangerous to the Not Tea then being Seen and Known, but it is still wary.

The tape recorder turns on with a click, hissing at the Not Tea. The Not Tea wants to _chitterchirphisscroak_ but it instinctively knows not to give its voice to that which Listens. Instead the Not Tea waves a claw and a tentacle at it, turning a color not before seen by human eyes before it drags itself and its teacup back into the cupboard, closing the door behind it. It curls up under the teacup, in the dust and the dark, and waits.

Later, later later later, the cupboard door opens, a hand reaching inside. The Not Tea flows out from under its teacup, tentacles waving, _slitherhissclicking_ , and is well fed when the Lonely-person gasps in fear and surprise. The Not Tea clicks a claw and blinks one of its eyes, pleased.

“Oh!” The Lonely-person exclaims, breath still fast from fear. He laughs, a nervous sound. “You’ve been in here this whole time?”

The Not Tea turns the color of the void between stars and grows a few extra legs.

“Well, we’re leaving,” The Lonely-person says, and he hesitantly reaches past the Not Tea to grab a can of vegetables, putting it into a bag he’s holding. “Do I… you seem harmless. Do you want to go outside?”

“Martin? What are you talking to?” The voice of the Archive is gentle, but the Not Tea is afraid regardless. When the Lonely-person turns his head to speak to the Archive, (how is it that the Lonely-person is scared of the Not Tea but not terrified of the Archive?) the Not Tea scuttles out of the cupboard and into the bag the Lonely-person is holding.

“The umm— the thing that wasn’t tea was still here,” the Not Tea hears the Lonely-person say as it crawls down to the bottom of the bag. “I didn’t know if I should put it outside like a spider or…. Oh, it seems to have gone. You must have scared it off.”

“Good,” the Archive says, and the Not Tea shivers, its teacup clicking gently against the cans in the bag. The Archive will no doubt See it soon enough, See it so throughly that it will be destroyed, but until then it will go where the food goes, wherever the Lonely-person who speaks to the Archive and tries to bring them tea is going.

The Not Tea curls back into its teacup and waits.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m [angel-ascending](http://angel-ascending.tumblr.com) over on Tumblr and [angel_in_ink](http://twitter.com/angel_in_ink) over on Twitter if y’all want to stop by and say hi!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] A Nice Cup of Not Tea | written by Angel Ascending](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28561206) by [Tipsy_Kitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tipsy_Kitty/pseuds/Tipsy_Kitty)




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